I wouldn’t suggest that people accuse me of being positive as such but I am beginning to wonder if all this breezy positiviy is a bit much for some people in light of the shitty times I’ve had. I get that, I really do. But I really am grateful you know. I’m grateful for the chances I’ve had to really learn to appreciate life. See I don’t know how long I’ve got, noone does, do they really? But when you know you won’t live to a ripe old age and that each year is not a given it makes you think about it a lot more. It’s as if I’ve got that ‘A beautiful world’ playing in a sound track or am the star of a soppy old James stewart movie realizing that life is not so bad and that lots of people care. It’s been a long time coming but I’m learning to love the small stuff.
My current treatment plan is kind and allows me to live a relatively normal life. I get nervous around coughs and sniffles with my consultants words ringing in my ears ‘it’ll be an infection that kills you not the actual myeloma’. That is the main issue with a blood cancer for many of us – once you get over the shits and giggles of chemotherapy and the woes that brings with it, you have to deal with a repressed immune system that’s further exacerbated by the fact that the cancer attacks your white blood cells. FFS how I am doing this sober is beyond me at times – inner strength and all that. there is truth in the saying that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!
I need to avoid busy places but you have to counter balance this with trying to carry on as much as you can. The way i see it is if i want to take the risk of attending a play or a concert then i will but theres no point traipsing round the supermarket every week when i can get by with click and collect. I avoid public transport but then I’d always rather drive anyway – plus it’s still quite novel for me after years of being too pissed to find the car at the end of a night let alone drive it!
I have some super little injections that are kept in the fridge and upon releasing into my fat tummy once a week boost those damn neutrophils to keep me out of the danger zone and hospital isolation. They don’t appear to be doing much for my platelets and that is a current concern but I know that the team will monitor it closely and put something in place if necessary. The care I recieve is amazing and I have complete faith in them.
I have learnt that you find faith in the strangest of places and kindness often comes from hearts that you didn’t expect.
signing off for now…..
JB x
Hold On Pain Ends 